4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
