You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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