I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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