I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
