you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
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yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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