So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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