Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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