After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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