I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
