gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
