i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
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