theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize