no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
