i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
