dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.