who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"