You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?