I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
