I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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