I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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