smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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