guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
