mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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