I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
