last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
