Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
