kristin has been a bad kristin
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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