Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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