There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
