i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
In America we eat man semen.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
