wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
