Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
