I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
