i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
