My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
