I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
