Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
40s are totally the cure
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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