Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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