Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
