Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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