So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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