Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
