What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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