he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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