how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
