Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize