It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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