There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
