I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
