She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Sober January is a disaster.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
