Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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