I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
