forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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