Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
