I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
