so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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