I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
