worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
