He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
