my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
