I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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