Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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