he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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