More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
